A bum

And one bleak morning he left without a trace of his quintessential humour and soft scent on my soul, to be in a place of forced dreams and skewed reality. There were no pleasures in the foresight, there never were, and no time for the pleasures of hindsight. He left without a word of solace to my aching self that were to undertake this journey without him. Oh, what a monster!

Pain, unlike pleasure, wears no mask. – O. Wilde

I wonder how and why sometimes right things happen at the right time. There’s 'some' mystery behind this accurate timing which I am not even trying to figure out, but one purpose, if at all, behind this right timing could be: universe is infuriated by my steep unwariness and is out there to teach me to at least move an inch towards perfection and understanding.

Sometimes you are in deep pain, and in such a pain that even tears make an effort in vain to put you to sleep, and then incidentally you come across something like De Profundis and all the iron strings of your heart vibrate to produce a harmonious music that makes you understand your behavior better, accept your pain and shame and let your ‘right’ surface, which above all is the most important thing.

The book speaks to you exactly those things which you probably are thinking or have thought at some point and conforms to your value system. I now know what W.H. Auden meant when he said “A real book is not one that we read, but one that reads us”, and rightly so.  Oscar Wilde did not exactly surprise me; he’s always been adorable, but this time when I was being draped by the feeling of being lost and indecisive he was a guiding light.  But most importantly, and truly so, I think that it was not Mr. Wilde’s conscious choice to guide me. It was him, unconsciously there, helping me in bringing THAT feeling up and spreading it across my whole body into each vein. The whole process was so amazing that I was left surprised feeling like a fool while writing this down. 

Relationships, any sort, books or real people, bring the worse and the best out in you. They put you through deep pain and misery and sometimes unexplained sorrow and that’s how they, in the process, render you with the greatest clarity and knowledge that you could possibly have of yourself.  Every relationship should be put to test. Tests are never a conscious choice though and if otherwise, I am not sure if it be called good or bad. Relationships (with people), like books, read you, and they read you to confuse you about who and why you are, but the sorrow that they bring with them is the only solid parameter they use to read you accurately. The most painful test of human emotions is testing a mortal through his relationships.

As for the timing, I guess it’s the universe that conspires for the whole process and if it does, I am thankful. I got De Profundis at the right time for helping me surfacing my vanishing conviction . I shall be indebted for more than a lifetime to Mr. Oscar Wilde for writing De Profundis. From helpless tenacity to liberation; Mr Wilde, I am thankful.

Leave Me, My Blamer

Kahlil Gibran  


I have a little heart within me

And I like to bring him out of

His prison and carry him on the

Palm of my hand to examine him

In depth and extract his secret.

Aim not your arrows at him, lest

He takes fright and vanish 'ere he

Pours the secrets blood as a

Sacrifice at the altar of his

Own faith, given him by Deity

When he fashioned him of love and beauty. 

The sun is rising and the nightingale
Is singing, and the myrtle is
Breathing its fragrance into space.
I want to free myself from the
Quilted slumber of wrong. Do not
Detain me, my blamer!  

Advise me not, my blamer, for
Calamities have opened my heart and
Tears have cleanses my eyes, and
Errors have taught me the language
Of the hearts. 

Talk not of banishment, for conscience
Is my judge and he will justify me
And protect me if I am innocent, and
Will deny me of life if I am a criminal.  

Go from me, for you are taking away
Life - giving repentance and bringing
Needless words.

Audacity of indifference

So, with temporary indecisiveness, typical to her nature, she began prioritizing things. Setting priorities at that moment, she knew, was as redundant as deciding whether or not to jump off a drowning ship for life's sake; her conscience knew what to do, already. That was one time when being tested, literally, seemed meager to her, and she chose anything but to put herself to examination.

None of the scrutiny (other than the self imposed ones) ever gave her a sense of accomplishment. She knew she'd survive, as she had before too. Knowing exactly the limits of her intellect, she, for once, was sure of her actions. There was no fear of falling as she knew she wouldn't.

She was deliberately diverted.